| Thursday, October 05, 2006 |
| Helpless to Hopeful |
Right now my heart is full, and my mind is trying to wrap itself around certain experiences I have had in the past few weeks here in China. So if you have a moment, allow me to attempt to articulate to you these thoughts swirling in my brain. You’ll actually need more than a moment. This has become a rather lengthy outpouring of my thoughts and feelings.
About two weeks ago, I was walking across our campus. There were people everywhere, which is the norm in this city. One of the countless people that passed me on the street that day was a girl who was crying. She appeared to be a student. She was walking briskly and the tears on her face spoke of pain and hopelessness. I saw her only for a moment, but in that moment, my heart broke for her. On that same day our teammate had shared with us that she was grieving over the one year anniversary of the death of her student, a young girl who ended her own life and joined the ranks of the number one cause of death for Chinese women ages 18-34. So when I passed the crying girl on the street that day, I could not help but wonder where her pain and hopelessness would lead her. I wanted to do something, anything to help her, but I felt helpless. What could I do? Little did I know that this feeling of helplessness would only escalate.
A few days later, I was walking back from the market, fruit and vegetables in hand. I passed another girl on the street. This girl was crouched over in the middle of the sidewalk, her head buried in her arms. People were walking all around her. Some glanced at her as they moved past her, but most walked by without missing a beat. My heart ached. Again, I wanted to do something, anything, but…what? Even if I were to approach her, there was nothing I was able to say to her. My Chinese is limited to a few phrases that are used at a restaurant or market place, nothing that would be remotely appropriate to say to a hurting soul. Helplessness washed over me. Slowly I continued walking and did the only thing I knew how to do. I asked my father to help her.
Another week passed, this one marking our second month in China. We decided to celebrate by going to a restaurant that we had been to on our very first day here. As we ate, we reflected on how far we’ve come in these two months. On that first day, when we came to that restaurant with our student guides, we were so unsure of everything. We didn’t know how to order and Chinese table etiquette seemed a mystery to us. Two months later, we were able to handle the restaurant experience with relative ease, those foreign table manners were now quite natural to us. And the waitress appeared to understand everything we said. We left the restaurant feeling quite proud of ourselves. Within moments, however, all feelings of sufficiency were completely erased.
We were walking down a busy street, when we suddenly heard shouting and screaming. We looked and about 80 yards away, we saw a group of young people crowding around a boy who lay on the ground. They were beating him. It was his screams that we heard. We stood in shock at the scene before us. We were too far away to intervene, but there were countless people, including two security guards who were close enough to intervene, but no one did. I cried out, “Make them stop!” Everyone just stood and watched the violence. Within seconds, the group had finished with the boy, and they ran off, seven guys and one girl, leaving their target lying on the street. Still the crowd of onlookers made no move toward the boy. He lay face down on the pavement, cars swerving around him, people walking by, no one stopping to help. Anger rose up within me. Why was no one doing anything?! We racked our minds, trying to figure out what we should do, what we could do. The language barrier left us feeling helpless. And culturally we felt clueless. Was he lying on the ground because of physical pain? Or did he lie there because he had just experienced the Asian shame of the ultimate loss of face? Did he need a helping hand or did he want to escape from all attention possible? After agonizing moments, we saw that he was able to move, so we didn’t approach him.
Today we are still trying to figure out what we could have done for that boy. We have not found any answers. All I know is that the experience brought out a lot of emotions in me. I walked away from the scene with tears running down my face. The darkness and oppression were overwhelming. My own helplessness was more than I could handle. Thoughts raced through my mind. We came from across the globe to live here so that we can make a difference, and yet we have just shown that we can do nothing! What are we doing here?
I wrestled with these feelings for hours that night and woke up the next morning with the same heaviness of heart. I sat down to spend some time with my father. He knew how discouraged I felt, how useless and insignificant I saw myself in comparison with the overwhelming need that surrounds me in this place. It was then that he reminded me that seemingly useless and insignificant people are the very ones that he uses for his great purposes. He used a barren old couple to begin the nation of his chosen people. He used a young shepherd boy to slay a giant, a poor little boy’s sack lunch to feed thousands, and a bumbling fisherman to build his kingdom on. If my father can use people like that, then maybe he can use me. Perhaps this heart of mine that has been broken and emptied of all pride and self-reliance, is the very kind of heart that he chooses to use. I know that without him I am truly hopeless and helpless.
As I have started life all over again in this foreign place, I often feel like a clueless child, unable to speak, not knowing even how to cross the street. I am ashamed to say that in my life I have not always felt my need for my father. Now I feel it desperately. And I think that he longs for me to know this child-like dependence upon him. Without him I have no reason to be in this place and nothing to offer these people. Because of him there is hope, hope for this nation and hope for me to offer its people. |
posted by Danielle @ 3:59 AM  |
|
| 9 Comments: |
-
Danielle,
I have found your blogspot! I read it every now and again, and every time I do, I can't help but say, "yes!" My heart is feeling the same way, or "wow!" that's what I needed to hear. I love you, friend! And, I will never forget those fun times on Dennis 2.
-
Heidi!! Wow, it's so good to hear from you! This is why the blogging world is so great! I'm thrilled to have your site now, so I can keep up with how you're doing. I think I may have to create my own xanga site just so that I can leave comments for all you xanga people! It's so fun to see your pictures. Say "Hi" to LB for me. Love you! Keep in touch. :)
-
Thanks for the heartful comments and writing about your recent experiences. It gives me pause to think how we take things for granted and do not expose ourselves to situations that we do not feel we can handle ourselves. Thanks for putting yourself outside your comfort zone to be an example for those around you and those back home. I'm sure that great things will come from Father due to your trust in these times.
-
Danielle,
I'm sorry you have recently been witness to so much of the pain and suffering that is the human condition. But I'm so thankful you know you have a caring Father who wants you to climb up in His lap and bury your face in His shirt at times like these.
And that is why you are exactly where you need to be right now. Because you can share the gift that some shirts are meant to be cried on, and that we're never so independent or alone that we can't find rest in His lap.
Be encouraged. He's showing you these things for a reason. Be patient, and He will provide you with the best response.
Amy
-
hello darling sister. i miss you so much! i'm sorry to hear all you are dealing with, but at the same time i am excited that you are growing. i am thinking about you every day and hoping things get better.
I love you@
-
Wheelers,
I just visited your site for the first time! It is great -- and so helpful to David and I. We feel like we are getting a sneak preview of what is to come and how to better remember you both. Pictures are great too -- they so touch my heart. Thanks for what you are doing.
Patty
-
Thanks everyone for your encouraging words. I appreciate them greatly. I'm doing well, trusting in my Father and striving to learn all that I can. Thank you for thinking about me.
-
Patty,
I'm so glad to hear from you. We were thrilled to hear about your future plans. Before we came here, we would read the blog of someone who was living here. It made us really excited. Hopefully, you'll get a glimpse of what's to come by reading ours. If you ever have any questions, don't hesitate to email us. We'd love to help!
~Danielle
-
Hey Danielle
Thanks for writing your thoughts and experiences. I really appreciated your words. It is wonderful to really know how dependent we are on him.
Hope to see you guys here soon.
|
| |
| << Home |
| |
|
|
|
|
Danielle,
I have found your blogspot! I read it every now and again, and every time I do, I can't help but say, "yes!" My heart is feeling the same way, or "wow!" that's what I needed to hear. I love you, friend! And, I will never forget those fun times on Dennis 2.